Weekend roundup (30th-31st August)

Or: I love it when a plan comes together!

"I love it when a plan comes together."

So far I’ve had a fairly crapulent start to the season, but my collection of ill-chosen misfits all came good this weekend. Even my goalkeeper got an assist!

Arsenal 3-0 Newcastle

The crisis at Newcastle grows ever more serious – this week they were forced to field Shola Ameobi up front. It wasn’t all plain sailing for the gooners as Emmanuel Adebayor received a series of straight 6.0 scores from the judges for his impression of Shola Ameobi – frankly neither of them could hit a grain silo with a sitar. Toon chief bungler Kevin Keegan gave Ghengis Barton a quick run out before he starts his eighteen game ban, or whatever it is the FA hand down to him, and he was quickly into the action with a wretched lunge on Samir Nasri. Keegan was quick to imagine some retaliatory offence by Nasri on Barton which he then whinged about – check out the YouTube highlights while you still can. Goals came from Robin van Persie (don’t rush to get him in your team, he went off with an ankle injury moments after he should have scored a third) whilst Denilson got the other. Shola Adebayor chipped in with two assists and fell over a lot after running into trouble.

Barton on Nasri

Nasri – supposedly – on Barton

Arsenal: Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Eboue (Walcott 72), Fabregas, Denilson (Song Billong 69), Nasri, Adebayor, Van Persie (Vela 63).
Subs Not Used: Fabianski, Ramsey, Djourou, Bendtner.

Booked: Fabregas, Nasri.

Goals: Van Persie 18 pen, 41, Denilson 59.

Newcastle: Given, Coloccini, Jose Enrique (Bassong 44), Taylor, Gutierrez (Barton 89), Guthrie, Butt, Beye (Edgar 89), N’Zogbia, Owen, Ameobi.
Subs Not Used: Harper, Tozer, Donaldson, Ranger.

Booked: Coloccini, Given.

Aston Villa 0-0 Liverpool

I’ll be honest – I didn’t watch the game. We went to visit my folks, played with the neices and nephew for a while and then watched an episode of “Blake’s 7″:

The boys are back in... the eighties.

But it was a really good episode (“The Web”) from early in the first series. It’s only the second episode since Blake’s lot took control of the Liberator. Cally was telepathically taken over and took the Liberator to an uncharted planet where evil scientists from Cally’s people are performing genetic experiments. They entangle the Liberator in a giant space-web and Blake can only get it free with their help – but they want something from him first. They want some power packs so they can nuke the botched results of their experiments, who by this time have formed their own society and look suspiciously like kids with hedges on their heads. Blake gets away and the evil scientists get squished by the results of their own experiments. Anyway, there was apparently a game at Villa Park notable only for an injury to Fernando Torres. Liverpool had two others strikers on the pitch (Keane and Kuyt) playing out of position, and Ryan Babel on the bench. But instead Rafa Benitez brought on a 19 year old who couldn’t even get into Paris St. Germain’s first team last season. Lost the plot already, methinks.

Aston Villa: Friedel, Luke Young (Milner 64), Laursen, Davies, Shorey (Gardner 79), Reo-Coker, Petrov, Barry, Ashley Young, Carew, Agbonlahor.
Subs Not Used: Guzan, Harewood, Knight, Salifou, Routledge.

Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Skrtel, Dossena, Kuyt (Aurelio 70), Alonso, Mascherano, Leiva Lucas, Keane (Benayoun 79), Torres (Ngog 30).
Subs Not Used: Cavalieri, Agger, Babel, El Zhar.

Booked: Skrtel, Dossena.

West Ham 4-1 Blackburn

The Upton Park fans were spoilt for choice; should they boo currrent boss Alan Curbishley, the players on show for Alan’s Average ‘Ammers, or former “player” Paul Ince. Ince has done well to change the team he inherited so fast – they’re already a lot easier to score against and a lot less comitted than under Mark Hughes. By the time the fourth goal went in Rovers were already walking about and didn’t look to be giving a toss. Callum Davenport – who is to defending what Fred West was to hitch-hiking – surprisingly opened the scoring before Jason Roberts equalised. Roberts then missed a penalty, and it’s fair to say that it was the worst penalty since John Terry’s in Moscow. In case you need to see Terry’s penalty miss again, here it is:

West Ham: Green, Behrami, Davenport, Upson, Neill, Faubert (McCartney 60), Parker, Noble (Mullins 81), Etherington, Cole, Ashton (Bellamy 69).
Subs Not Used: Lastuvka, Boa Morte, Reid, Sears.

Booked: Bellamy.

Goals: Davenport 12, Samba 20 og, Cole 90, Bellamy 90.

Blackburn: Robinson, Ooijer, Samba, Nelsen, Warnock, Emerton, Reid, Grella (Andrews 46), Pedersen (Treacy 66), Roque Santa Cruz (Derbyshire 29), Roberts.
Subs Not Used: Brown, Mokoena, Villanueva, Simpson.

Booked: Grella, Roberts, Ooijer, Emerton, Nelsen.

Goals: Roberts 22.

Bolton 0-0 West Brom

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Andrew O’Brien, Shittu, Samuel, Joey O’Brien (Riga 14), McCann, Muamba, Gardner, Nolan, Davies. Subs Not Used: Al Habsi, Hunt, Helguson, Vaz Te, Dzemaili, Fojut.

Booked: Nolan, McCann.

West Brom: Carson, Zuiverloon, Meite (Hoefkens 46), Barnett, Robinson, Borja Valero (Cech 58), Koren (MacDonald 70), Greening, Morrison, Kim, Miller. Subs Not Used: Kiely, Bednar, Brunt, Moore.

Booked: Robinson, MacDonald.

Chelsea 1-1 Spurs

The wheels are coming off the big Phill bandwagon. Yes, they were outstanding on the opening day against a spineless Portsmouth team; they were lucky against Wigan; today they were neither outstanding nor particularly lucky. Balletti scored a fluke opener after a miscued clearence by Darren “broken, not just” Bent, but Bent saved the day with a good finish through Petr Cech’s legs. On this showing, they really need a certain petulant Brazillian who can spit his dummy 400 yards.

Chelsea: Cech, Belletti (Kalou 75), Carvalho, Terry, Ashley Cole, Bosingwa, Essien, Lampard, Joe Cole (Malouda 65), Deco, Anelka (Di Santo 88).
Subs Not Used: Cudicini, Bridge, Ferreira, Alex.

Booked: Deco, Joe Cole, Bosingwa.

Goals: Belletti 28.

Tottenham: Gomes, Zokora, Woodgate, King, Gunter (Huddlestone 62), Bentley (O’Hara 72), Jenas, Modric, Bale, Giovani (Lennon 59), Bent.
Subs Not Used: Cesar, Gilberto, Dawson, Assou-Ekotto.

Goals: Bent 45.

Everton 0-3 Portsmouth

Everton’s world was rocked by a Portsmouth side who finally remembered what the purpose of a football team was. For Everton Phil Jagiellka started in midfield instead of defence, but they immediately wished he hadn’t as Jermain Defoe wriggled through relatively unhindered by defenders to score the first. Defoe then linked with Glen Johnson whole stole a toilet seat from B&Q – oh no, that was in January 2007. Defoe linked with Johnson to score the second, before chipping Tim Howard to score Pompey’s third. Yakubu took time off from standing still in an offside position to horribly miss a penalty. Time to get either Defoe or Crouch in before the price goes up too much, I reckon.

Everton: Howard, Neville, Yobo, Lescott, Baines, Arteta, Rodwell, Jagielka, Osman (Baxter 71), Yakubu, Vaughan (Anichebe 58).
Subs Not Used: Turner, Jacobsen, Nuno Valente, Kissock, Wallace.

Booked: Baines.

Portsmouth: James, Johnson, Kaboul, Campbell, Distin, Diop, Davis (Mvuemba 90), Diarra, Armand Traore (Hreidarsson 77), Crouch, Defoe (Utaka 76).
Subs Not Used: Ashdown, Lauren, Sahar, Djimi Traore.

Goals: Defoe 12, Johnson 40, Defoe 69.

Hull 0-5 Wigan

In the day’s big rugby match Bernard Cribbins’ side coasted to an easy victory. All eleven Wigan warriors had a good game, whilst Hull… will be glad to get the game out of the way. Zaki scored twice, Valencia and Email Heskey scored once with Hull adding an own goal. Even Chris Kirkland got an assist, although it doesn’t look like it’s been credited to him.

Hull: Myhill, Ricketts, Brown, Turner, Dawson (Mendy 71), Fagan, Ashbee, Marney, Garcia (Barmby 60), Geovanni (Windass 56), Folan.
Subs Not Used: Duke, Hughes, Halmosi, Cooper.

Booked: Ashbee.

Wigan: Kirkland, Melchiot, Boyce, Bramble, Figueroa, Valencia, Palacios, Cattermole (Kapo 79), Kilbane (Brown 56), Heskey (Camara 85), Zaki.

Subs Not Used: Pollitt, Koumas, De Ridder, Kupisz.

Goals: Ricketts 5 og, Valencia 13, Zaki 63, Heskey 68, Zaki 81.

Middlesbrough 2-1 Stoke

In the end, Boro should have had this game wrapped up much earlier. Penalty-miss king Gareth Southgate is quietly building a young and effective outfit, and if Alves, Tuncay, Downing and Aliadiere were slightly less profligate, Stoke would have been buried by half-time.

Middlesbrough: Turnbull, Hoyte (Taylor 72), Wheater, Huth, Pogatetz, Aliadiere, Shawky (Digard 61), O’Neil, Downing, Alves (Mido 76), Sanli
Subs not used: Steele, Riggott, Emnes, Adam Johnson

Booked: O’Neil, Huth

Goals: Alves 37, Sanli 85

Stoke: Sorensen, Griffin, Cort, Abdoulaye Faye, Dickinson (Wilkinson 67), Lawrence, Olofinjana, Amdy Faye, Delap, Kitson (Cresswell 83), Fuller (Sidibe 74).
Subs Not Used: Simonsen, Whelan, Diao, Buxton.

Sent Off: Amdy Faye (36).

Booked: Griffin, Fuller, Lawrence, Wilkinson.

Goal: Hoyte 71 og.

The Beautiful Game – Kenny Dalglish

I was watching the Portsmouth 0-1 Man Utd practice match tonight and it occurred to me how alike Carlos Tevez and Kenny Dalglish are in style – they both have, in Brian Clough’s words, ‘a big fat arse’ and are really difficult to shake off the ball. That thought sent me to YouTube to seek out the finest Kenneth Mathieson Dalglish moments on offer, and I think this is the best selection as there are numerous goals from his Celtic days in this terrific compilation.

A word of warning though – the soundtrack features Bon Jovi. You have been warned.

Weekend roundup (25th August)

Portsmouth 0-1 Manchester United

United cruised to a victory at Fratton Park by a  one goal margin that flattered the hosts. With Papa Wop Bop a Loo Bop again deployed on the right wing and Useless Kaboul at centre-back, Portsmouth never looked comfortable. Their fans will have cause for optimism on an improved performance from the game against Chelseas last week – last week they were pathetic, whereas here they were just comically inept. It was difficult to work out Pompey’s strategy in a formation that saw a centre-back at left-back, a left-back on the left wing and a defensive midfielder on the right wing. Peter Crouch has now gone two games without touching the ball (which is hardly a surprise, he’s in my fantasy league team) whilst Portsmouth’s standout performer was John O’Shea.

United on the other hand were terrific, full of movement and imagination going forward and resolute in defence. In the last week Carlos Tevez has suffered a family bereavement, flown to Argentina for the funeral, flown to Belarus to play for Argentina in a friendly, and was man of the match by some distance. He’s just like Kenny Dalglish – he’s got a big fat arse and he’s difficult to shake off the ball. Mr. Anderson was in Beijing just a few hours ago – by his body clock, it would be four in the morning – and played an excellent 75 minutes before being replaced by another one of our teenage Brazillian army, the big-haired Sideshow Possebon.

Separated at birth - Ugly Betty(left) and Carlos Tevez (right)

The game’s only goal was probably scored by Darren Fletcher although it might go down as an own goal, assist by Patrice Evra (did you know he had 25 brothers and sisters?). Fletcher and O’Shea picked up bookings for the Champions, whilst Jermain Defoe and Papa Wop Bop a Loo Bop were booked for Pompey – that wasDefoe’s only kick of the night.

Friday sees the mighty Reds off to Monaco to play in the European Super Cup (which United once won against Red Star Belgrade – I went to watch the game, but missed Brian McClair’s goal after ninety seconds because I was in the club shop buying a flag) before their next two league games – away at Anfield (guaranteed three points, like every season) and away at Stamford Bridge!

Weekend roundup (24th August)

Wigan 0-1 Chelsea

Didn’t see this game because it wasn’t on TV, so don’t have much to report. The goal came couresty of a 25-yard free kick from Deco (bought for less than half the price of Gareth Barry) with Ricardo Carvalho getting a yellow. Those bookies who were ready to pay out on Chelsea winning the league should think again; by all accounts Chelsea were very poor overall and Ashley Cole is a git.

Man Shitty 3-0 West Ham

It was my intention to watch the whole game in order to bring you the fullest report; unfortunately I caught some of Alan Curbishley’s pre-match banter and didn’t wake up until the game was twenty minutes old. The game resulted in a humdrum 3-0 stroll for Shitty at the Fortress of Ineptitude against Alan’s Average ‘Ammers. The blues gave a debut to Vincent Kompany, so long the darling of Championship Manager fans everywhere, who was brilliant and looked like he’d spent his entire career in the premier league. By contrast, roly-poly Ben Tal Haim looked like he’d spent his whole career at Shitty; he conspired with Micah Richards to provide the comic moment of the match when they both went for a routine header, missed the ball and banged foreheads. This resulted in Richards being carried off on a stretcher after a long delay, meaning that the match ended with 100:14 on the clock.

Tal ben Haim reveals that, deep down, he's still a Chelsea fan.

Carlton Cole apparently started up front for the Londoners but came off after thirty minutes, which was a surprise because most managers would sub him well before then. In goal Robert Green flapped about like a dolphin caught in the Severn estuary to little noticeable effect. If he did play for a big club or Chelsea, Green still wouldn’t play for England – it’s just that his errors would get more coverage. At right-back was new West Ham signing Valon Behrami, who apparently is nicknamed “the Swiss David Beckham” and on this display it’s not difficult to see why – his best days look to have been about nine seasons ago as well.

Once Mark Noble (surely heir apparent to Lee Bowyer as the most brainless thug in the premier league) received the first red card of the new season, the game was over. The Hammers were lucky not to concede a penalty when the most over-rated player in the league, Lucas Neill, handled the ball but he still managed to contribute to his team’s downfall by getting skinned twice by Stephen Ireland, who got two assists by pulling back balls for Elano Bloomer to score twice – he’s now on three for the season. Daniel Sturridge proved that he’s nothing like his Uncle Dean with some neat touches, close control and the opening goal, courtesy of a weak clearance by Matthew Upson.

Coming up tomorrow – Portsmouth v Man Utd. We don’t have a great record on the south coast so if United lose there might be a delay in posting. Let’s hope it’s more like the games at Old Trafford than the ones at Fratton Park!

Sir Alex and 'Arry Redknapp share a quiet moment.

Weekend roundup (23rd August)

No standout performers from the Saturday games this week – or at least not in a good way. Ian Nolan, who for the past few seasons has performed very reliably for Bolton and been repeatedly overlooked by England, suddenly decided to change tack and play like an utter muppet. It’s an approach that has certainly suited Frank Lumplard and Gareth Barry this season, so expect Nolan to get his England call-up very soon. Martin Laursen lived up to the adage that if at first you don’t succeed, try try try again by having several attempts at hacking players down in his own box before finally managing to give away a penalty. Age was a big theme this weekend – Everton’s 7-year old boy wonder Jose Baxter got another runout, whilst at Ewood Park the premier league’s youngest referee, Stuart Attwell, had made his debut. At just 25 years of age, Attwell is exactly a quarter of the age of Blackburn’s geriatric midfielder Tugay.

Everton youngster Jose Baxter celebrates Yakubu's goal with his team mates

Let’s have a look at Saturday’s matches in slightly less detail:

Stoke City 3-2 Aston Villa

Villa came crashing back to earth after demolishing Man Shitty last week, conceding an injury time goal to lose to their first away game of the season. In contrast, this game saw two milestones for Stoke as they won their first ever game in the Big League, and apparently fielded eleven players all called Faye.  Rory Delap Faye was in the middle of things, being fouled by Martin Laursen at the thirty-fourth attempt to win a penalty which was converted by Liam Lawrence Faye. John Carew scored a fine equalizer after good work from internet onanist Ashley Young, before Ricardo Fuller Faye surprised everyone by showing a touch of the Denis Bergkamps in flicking the ball round a stationary Villa defender to collect it on the other side and fire a low shot past Villa goalkeeper Brad Friedel – after Tugay, possibly the world’s second oldest man. Martin Laursen continued his fine goalscoring record, walking past a Stoke City defence that were wandering about like a collection of zombie extras in a George A. Romero film to tap the ball in from about three inches out. Rory Delap Faye’s long throws continually troubled a Villa defence that always seemed to be worried about when Gareth Barry would next give the ball away, and it was no surprise when Mamady Sidibe Faye couldn’t get his back out of the way of another long throw and it bounced off him and past Freidel’s mobility scooter to score the winner.

Fulham 1-0 Arsenal

Little Britain star Matt Lucas was in the crowd for this one, and just like his TV shows there was nothing funny about Arsenal’s poor performance. Surprise new signing Mikael Silvestre was not playing but his influence certainly extended to the pitch, as the Gooners looked as sloppy and uncoordinated as a walrus wearing boxing gloves trying to drink a milkshake on a rollercoaster -  Man Utd fans know exactly what I mean. Hair Bear Bullard notched his second assist in as many games, whilst Silky Oon gave such a terrific performance that he even inspired Bobby Zamora to play like an actual footballer. Unfeasibly named centre-back Brede Paulsen Hangeland crept in at a set-piece to stab home the only goal, which took a colossal effort on Arsenal’s part not to notice him as Hangeland is about thirteen feet tall. Adebayor continued the season as he started it, playing like he had bovine spongiform encephalopathy and being unable to hit a grain silo with sitar.

This is the face Adebayor pulls when he misses a sitter. Arsenal fans better get used to it.

Liverpool 2-1 Middlesbrough

Rafa Benitez surprised the Anfield crowd by selecting Dirk Kuyt instead of a footballer, whilst Boro surprised the Anfield crowd by looking much more like the home team for long periods. The Teeside club has handed a massive vote of confidence to Egyptian burger-lover Ahmed Mido by changing their away strip to Inter Milan-like stripes in an attempt to make him look thinner, and this seemed to inspire him enough to score a goal he actually meant this week with a terrific turn and shot. You’d think that the Liverpool defence would actually look less sluggish with Sami Hoopya not playing, but that certainly wasn’t the case as Boro looked dangerous up front the whole game. Jamie Carragher sent the unemployed masses in the stands into raptures with a deflected shot in the 86th minute, his fifth goal in five hundred games for the club and a strike rate that both Kuyt and Andriy Voronin would be proud of.  Minutes later the crowd all had to calm down when hubcap-stealer-in-chief Steven Gerrard lashed home a satisfyingly route-one winner deep into stoppage time. Gerrard looked slightly more effective than he did on Wednesday against the Czechs, but frankly that’s only the same as saying you’d sooner sleep wth Michelle McManus than Rik Waller.

Spurs 1-2 Sunderland

Whilst it might have worked for Mido, no amount of stripes is going to make Sunderland midfield wildebeest Andy Reid look any less gigantic. That didn’t seem to trouble the Wearsiders as they brushed aside a sloppy and unfocused Spurs team. Kieran Richardson scored a terrific opener, smashing a shot past that rarest of objects – a Brazillian international footballer that no-one’s ever heard of – with his weaker foot. Gareth Bale showed what an astute judge of players Sir Alex is by missing a host of sitters – thank the Lord United didn’t sign him – whilst upfront Darren “broken, not just” Bent toiled unsuccessfully like – well, like Darren Bent. Aaron Lennon wafted a succession of trademark “pinpoint” crosses thirty feet over the heads of his team-mates whilst the poor man’s Steven Gerrard, Jermaine Jenas, did whatever it is he does on a Saturday afternoon and still manages to get paid for in scoring the equalizer. Sunderland knew that as long as the Spurs team remained on the pitch a winner wouldn’t be long in coming, and sure enough debutant substitute Lord Frodsham couldn’t get out of the way of a Darryl Murphy cross and the ball hit his head to register the winner. It was notable that Dimitar Berbatov wasn’t even on the bench for this game, leaving Spurs with no recognised strikers and only Darren Bent to pretend he’s one. One has to go back the heady days of Bontcho Guentchev for a Bulgarian striker to go missing like this – he regularly did it on the pitch whilst playing for Ipswich. The other noteworthy news is that Diouf now hasn’t been booked in two games.

West Brom 1-2 Everton

At the Hawthorns the Boing Boing Baggies Baggies were unlucky to go down to a second straight defeat to an Everton side who weren’t particularly good. Worringly for Boing Boing boss Tony Mowbray observers keep saying how unlucky they are to be beaten when they’ve played so well – if their confidence and form goes, they could be on the wrong end of some proper tonkings. Even more worrying is the current premier league trend for away strips that look like highlighter pens – Wigan last week, Everton this week, Chelsea have one too – but then it’s not like anyone expects Chelsea to have any style. By contrast West Brom’s strip is very retro – they haven’t whored out the space covering their man-boobs to an evil giant corporation like everyone else, so kudos to them. By the way, they’re having a car boot sale next week to raise funds for three new players, and all are welcome (it’ll be in the church hall if it’s raining). Yakubu had a hand in both goals, allowing a defender to disposess him easily only for the defender to give the ball away to Mikel Arteta who crossed for Leon Osman to score. Yakubu then scored his hundredth goal in English football by running in a straight line and bouncing the ball off his head. Roman Bednar scored a penalty consolation after Everton skipper Phil Neville matched his twin sister’s skills with the ball in hand – unfortunately he was in his own penalty area at the time, and not playing goal attack like Tracey has for the England netball team at two commonwealth games. By the way, did you know that Gary, Phil and Tracey’s dad is called Neville Neville?

FYI, Phil - your sister can do this but you can't. Especially not in your own penalty area.

Newcastle 1-0 Bolton

Empty seats galore at St. James’ Park as 4767 fans came to their senses and didn’t bother turning up for this borefest between long-ball merchants Bolton and “big club” Newcastle – that’s despite Mike Ashley giving away pre-game free drinks and tickets being available on the day for cash. Seriously, it’s bad enough having to watch Newcastle at any time, but if the oppostition is the Ginger Mourinho’s route-one specialists, even that grouting starts to look attractive. The game was notable only for the aforementioned Nolan’s ineptitude, and little Michael Owen showing Gareth Bale how to score a headed goal from three feet out. Owen came on as substitute for his first appearance ofthe season, replacing Ola Bambi Martins who entered the record books for being the first player in premier league history to be substituted because of boredom.

Blackburn 1-0 Hull City

Hull City continued their impressive pig-headedness by refusing to change their hideous strip. Moreover, they refused to change their unbeaten start by coming from behind to gain a point at Ewood Park and are now a point above Arsenal in the table – oh that we could say that come next May! Jason Roberts scored the opener, being unable to miss despite being Jason Roberts, whilst some Australian called Garcia scored for comeback kings Hull just 90 seconds later. What’s up, not good enough to play cricket?

This is what an Audtralian that can't play cricket looks like.

What the…?

One of the great features about WordPress (and there are many great features, if you’re thinking about starting your own blog WordPress is amazing and it’s free!) is that you can really analyse your blog’s statistics. Not just how many hits on your blog or which entries get the most traffic, but much more than that. I can see which sites have got a link to us, how many peopl have clicked on the links in my blog, and – most entertainingly – I can see what search terms people have used to find my blog in a search engine.

This is not a football story, but I thought it would be funny to list some of those search terms here:

• Cristiano Ronaldos teeth before he had
• Smith grumpy old men sunderland santa
• orgy spit roast
• the game game,s pain
• amr zaki world’s deadliest striker
• footballers named carlo in edinburgh
• chelsea+portsmouth+james+hair
• real you are my obsession
• ootballers(sic) roasting videos
• famous german footballers at middlesboro
• word that begin with real
• ashley cole spit roast

More to follow when you provide them!

The Beautiful Game – Kempes vs Batistuta

And Moses said unto God:”Deliver me a centre-forward. Give him long hair to strike fear into the hearts of men; make him stronger than the ox, braver than the lion, and more cunning than the monkey. Let him fly through the air like the eagle! He should be able to strike the ball cleanly with either foot, and deliver blows of such force with his head that they would split rock. His country shall adore him, and he shall triumph, and be glorious. Lord; deliver to me someone exactly like Mario Kempes:”

And God replied unto Moses:”I can do better than that, mate – take a butcher’s at Gabriel Batistuta.“

No midweek football to comment upon boys and girls; yes, England played at Wembley, but I think that pretty much underlines my point, no? I could give you the rant about David Beckham being past it (as he was in 2001, and let’s face it, he ain’t getting younger). I could give you the rant about tubby Pat Butcher lookalike Frank Lumplard, and how he can’t be accomodated in a) the same midfield as real footballers or b) an arena any smaller than Wembley, because his ego won’t fit. John Terry, Ashley Cole – easy targets not worth the effort. And don’t even get me started on Emile Heskey.

Gareth Barry – now there’s another one. Now that England matches aren’t on TV (yes, I know they’re on Setanta but that hardly counts, does it?) I Iistened to the England match on good old Radio 5 Live – ah, the football fan’s friend. I didn’t even know that Gareth Barry was playing on Wednesday night until he got substituted. And while Gareth Barry was with Steven Gerrard and Frank Lumplard attending their meeting of Midfielders Anonymous, here’s what the guy who Gareth Barry is apparently much better than was doing for European champions Spain on Wednesday night:

Xavi Alonso scored twice as the European champions convincingly beat Denmark in Copenhagen. Well, we’ll be back at the weekend with a round-up of the fantasy league action and some good old-fashioned Chelsea-bashing. If you missed it, you can catch the round-up of last weekend’s movers and shakers by clicking here. Adios muchachos!

Weekend roundup (17th-18th August)

Happiest this weekend will be the two people who thought to put Gabriel Agbonlahor in their team; unhappiest will be the chumps whose teams included defenders from Manchester City and Portsmouth – that’ll be me then – who both conceded four goals. Also beaming from ear to ear will be Fabio Capello, for not including Peter Crouch in the England squad. Crouch was so anonymous in the game against Chelsea that for an hour I assumed he was stil sat on Liverpool’s bench. Let’s take a look at the winners and losers from this weekend.

Aston Villa's Gabriel Agbonlahor gets himself all excited over his 7-minute hat trick against City.

Arsenal 1-0 West Brom

An impressive opening for new-boy Samir Nasri with a goal for the baby-faced schemer, delighting the four teams who picked him, and an assist for Denilson. Somehow West Brom conspired to gift Arsenal a clean sheet despite the best intentions of both sides, with Arsene Wenger prefering Johann Djourou’s comedy stylings in central defence to Philip Sendoros’ one-man impression of Titus Bramble.

Aston Villa 4-2 Man City

Mark Hughes’ was as stunned as everyone else when Villa speed merchant Gabriel Agbonlahor scored a hat-trick. Manchester City, who lost Valeri Bojinov in the warm-up to another long-term injury, have now conceded twelve goals in the last two league games – no mean feat when you consider eight of them were to Middlesbrough. Gareth Barry chipped in with a couple of assists and John Carew scored Villa’s other, whilst Elano’s penalty and Corluka’s tap-in were the consolations for City.

Everton 2-3 Blackburn

I predict a long, difficult season if David Moyes persists with the experiment of playing without a central midfield. Yakubu’s particular brand of running down blind alleys and standing in offside positions brought him a goal, whilst Mikel Arteta scored what would have been described as a sublime free-kick against any other team, but against Paul Robinson it’s simply put down to a goalkeeping error by the pie-loving Blackburn custodian. Scoring for the Guv’nor’s team were perma-crocked midfielder Clive Dunn, Rocky Santa Claus (who was surprisingly overlooked by many managers, making it into only one starting team) and aging Dutch centre-back Andre Oohyeah. The game was notable for a first public sighting of new Everton wonderkid Jose Baxter, who at 7 years and 128 days old broke James Vaughan’s record of being the youngest player to play for Everton. Doubtless Baxter will want to follow in the footsteps of other Everton wonderkids and really make a mark on the big time, like Francis Jeffers and Paul Rideout before him.

Bolton 3-1 Stoke

New £10m signing Johan Elmander looked worth every penny against Stoke City; in fact, Stoke managed to make every single Bolton player look like a £10m player as they capitulated to a 3-1 defeat, being 3-0 down by half-time. Stoke should be praised for attempting something that no other premier league team has managed, namely having a decent season with Thomas Sorenson in the nets. Steinnson’s agricultural hoof and Kevin ‘razor-elbows’ Davis scored the others, with Ricardo Fuller replying for the Harry Potters. Richard Cresswell failed to bother the scorers, disappointing the four managers who mysteriously picked him for their teams – what do you know that we don’t?

Chelsea Pensioners 4-0 Portsmouth

At Stamford Bridge Portsmouth’s collection of has-beens and never-weres were soundly thrashed by the only team in the league with a higher average age than theirs. Yes, the Chelsea Pensioners looked good; in particular, Ashley Cole took a day off from cheating on his wife to put in a good stint at outside-left, although so slight was the resistance put up by Glen Johnson that he would have made Prince Phillip look like Lionel Messi. Useless Kaboul made his debut in midfield for Pompey, whilst Papa Wop Bop A Loo Bop stood on the right-wing watching Ashley Cole run past him. Fears that Portsmouth would turn into a long ball team were well-founded as they relied on Plan A – hoofing it to Mr Abbey Clancy without ever offering him support. At the back they were similarly abject, with Herman Munster at left-back looking less at home in a premier league game than he would look on-stage playing guitar for Slipknot. During the post-match review on Sky Jamie Redknapp read out an interesting comment from his autocue – if Gareth Barry is worth £18m, what is Deco actually worth? The little Portugese Brazillian was terrific, being involved in everything as well as scoring the final goal. Joe “not Ashley or Andrew or Carlton” Cole, Frank Lumplard and Nic Anelka – another one, like Didier Drogba, who failed to make it into a single team – also worried the scoreboard operators.

Hull City 2-1 Fulham

Hull City surprised everyone this weekend by sticking with their awful orange and black strip: what’s up with that, lads? Slightly less surprising was their coming from 0-1 down to win as Fulham get caught out playing away from home more often than Ashley Cole. Silky Oon scored for the Cottagers with a terrific assist from Jummy Bullard, whose hair is so big it now has its own biometric passport. Hull’s equaliser came from Edward Woodward – no, not really. Brazillian Geovanni, who once cost Barcelona £18m, scored a terrific goal and no doubt delighted the one manager who picked him, not only because he scored but because he’s down as a midfielder rather than a forward which makes each of his goals even more valuable. Of course, Geovanni made a bright start to last season, scoring the winner in the Manchester derby, but by the end of the season he couldn’t even get into a team thrashed 8-1 by Boro, so we’ll see how that goes. Ex-Spireite Caleb Folan’s winner came after Paul “Cinderella” Konchesky ran away from the ball, leaving Craig Fagan to pick his pocket and square the ball to Folan. Those who like their fancy pieces on the mature side will have been disappointed not to see Dean Sizeableass make an appearance from the bench, although it did mean that the Sky blimp remained the largest pale round thing on view.

Sunderland 0-1 Liverpool

Liverpool’s new away strip harked back to the glory years of Graeme Souness and brought back poignant memories of Glenn Hysen, Barry Vension and Istvan Kozma. Like Pele Sunderland were very proficient up until the business end of the pitch, then they went all limp and floppy and unable to perform. The home side’s form was generally enough to suggest boring mid-table mediocrity is well within their reach this season (Steed “The New Zidane” Malbaranque looking very effective until being withdrawn). New £20m Sunderland defender Robbie Keane had an excellent game, notably stopping Fernando “difficult second season” Torres from rolling the ball into an empty net on one occasion. Torres eventually broke free from Keane’s shackles to hit a scorching low shot into the corner of Craig “Flash” Gordon’s net.

Manchester United 1-1 Newcastle

Manchester United were missing Cristiano Ronaldo, Nani, Anderson, Louis Saha, Owen Hargreaves and any sort of imagination as they laboured to a 1-1 draw against Keegan’s relegation contenders. Matters were not improved when Michael Carrick limped off and United faced the hinderance of playing with John O’Shea in midfield, rather than tough it out with only ten men. Obafembi (if that’s your real name) Martins and Darren Fletcher provided the noteworthy statistics. United were abject, turning in a performance devoid of any imagination, craft or guile, whilst Manchester were little better. Such was the lack of depth at United’s disposal that they ended the game playing with six defenders and three midfielders. The game will probably only be remembered for the first public sightings of two of United’s teenage Brazillian wunderkind: Sideshow Bob Possebon, a central midfielder in the Bryan Robson mould; and Rafael da Silva, an attacking right-back in the early Arsenal Ashley Cole style. His twin brother Fabio, a left-back, should also shortly be introduced to the public. I suppose the only plus about this is that last year we started with a charity shield winn on penalties followed by an abject home draw, and last season didn’t end up too bad for us.

Middlesbrough 2-1 Spurs

Spurs’ opening day travails in the north-east continued as they were easily beaten by a Boro team that rarely looked like breaking sweat. David Bentley, the league’s most popular player with eleven picks, continued the fine tradition of recent Spurs sides by being a right-sided player employed on the left-wing. Many of us were seduced by Darren Bent’s pre-season form when we should have paid more attention to last season’s competitve form. He was the joint second most popular striker, appearing in seven teams – more than Drogba, Anelka, Rooney, Tevez, Owen, Santa Claus, Walcott and Heskey put together. Desperate Dan-chinned centre-back David Wheaterbix should have scored the opener, but the goal was ruled out for a foul on him by Michael “WWF Royal Rumble” Dawson. I’m still trying to find that one in the FA rule book. Wheaterbix was on the spot to score the opener, whilst podgy cake-lover Ahmed Mido couldn’t get out of the way of a Didier Degard shot and deflected it into the Spurs net. Robert Huth provided Spurs’ consolation. Spurs manager Father Damian Karras left Dimitar Berbatov on the bench until the 65th minute when he replaced teenage Mexican stropper Geovanni Dos Santos.

West Ham 2-1 Wigan

Two early goals from bottle blonde Dean Ashton gave West Ham the points as Wigan struggled to raise their game. The away side were no doubt induced into a light yet soothing coma by Alan Curbishley’s oral banalities, which the Hammers were surprisingly able to take advantage of. Despite their new away strip resembling a flourescent marker pen, Wigan provided only one highlight with a debut goal from Amr Zaki. Zaki’s strike was well taken and provided a tantaslising glimpse of why, on current FIFA statistics, the Egyptians is currently the deadliest striker in world football. Unfortunately, a couple of missed sitters should also go some way towards securing a tag of “the new Emile Heskey”. In his post match interview, Alan Curbishley said zzzz ….

Player statistics

I thought it might be fun (in a geeky sort of way) to analyse the statistics regarding player picks in the grumpyoldfootballers league. There are some very interesting statistics:

Goalkeepers

1. Petr Cech (picked in 10 out of 26 teams)

Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech impresses the ladies.

2. Mark Schwarzer (8 )

3. David James (4)

=4. Ali Al-Habsi (3)

=4. Edwin van der Sar (3)

=4. Brad Freidel (3)

=4. Tim Howard (3)

Defenders

1. Rio Ferdinand (8 )

Rio Ferdinand mocks John Terry for only being picked in 2 teams.

=2. Ricardo Carvalho (6)

=2. Abdoulaye Meite (6)

=2. Joleon Lescott (6)

=5. Martin Laursen (5)

=5. Glen Johnson (5)

=5. Luke Young (5)

Midfielders

1. David Bentley (11)

David Bentley with Spurs manager Father Damian Karras.

2. Cesc Fabregas (9)

=3. Ashley Young (6)

=3. Nigel Reo-Coker (6)

5. Hayden Mullins (5)

=6. Mikel Arteta (4)

=6. Samir Nasri (4)

=6. Paul Scholes (4)

Attackers

1. Emanuel Adebayor (10)

"Where's the ball?" Bet Adebayor wishes he'd gone to Specsavers.

=2. Darren Bent (7)

=2. Fernando Torres (7)

4. Dean Ashton (6)

5. Dimitar Berbatov (5)

=6. Yakubu (4)

=6. Richard Cresswell (4)

=6. Peter Crouch (4)

So, a lot of interesting picks and some big names missing from the most picked lists.Let’s analyse some of the statistics this exercise has thrown up:

• More people picked Bolton’s reserve goalkeeper Ali Al-Habsi than Liverpool’s first choice Jose Reina
• As many people picked Pedro Mendes (2), who has signed for Rangers, as picked Ashley Cole
• John Terry has been picked in the same number of teams (2) as Desperate Dan-chinned Boro centre-back David Wheaterbix
• One person picked Paul Konchesky
• Frank Lumplard has been picked in less teams (2) than Didi Hamann (4), Simon Davies (3)Nigel Reo-Coker (6), Hayden Mullins (5) and Javier Macherano (3) – that’s despite Mascherano not even being able to play due to being away at the Olympics
• Two teams have picked Cristiano Ronaldo from the start
• David Bentley was the league’s most popular player, picked in eleven teams
• One person backed Rolando Bianchi to score more points now that he’s back playing in Italy this season than when he “played” for Man City last season
• Wayne Rooney was picked in only one team – the same number as Nicholas Bendnter, Marlon Harewood, Afonso Alves, Alan Smith, Caleb Folan, Craig Beattie and Rolando Bianchi

To play in the grumpyoldfootballers fantasy league, all you need to do is head over to http://fantasy.premierleague.com/ and select your team. When you’ve picked it, click on the Leagues link and enter the code 210826-49183.That’s it – that’s all you need to do!

The Eve of War

Well, it all kicks off tomorrow – literally, the 2008-2009 season gets underway at lunch tomorrow as the Gooners take on the Boing Boing Baggies Baggies. Can Emmanuel Adebayor, who at the start of his Arsenal career resembled a poor man’s Shola Ameobi, repeat last season’s goal-scoring achievements? Can Cesc Fabregas score as many points for me as he did last year? And will Phillipe Senderos continue his one-man Edinburgh fringe festival performance entitled “How to make Titus Bramble look like Paolo Maldini”? All will be revealed tomorrow, or maybe the week after.

As you’re all such special people and I’m in a surprisingly good mood considering that I’ve just sat through Music and Lyrics again, I’ve got not four, not five, but three videos for you today, and they’re a bit of a departure from the norm.

Speaking of norm, did you know that Nemanja is actually Serbo-Croat for Norman? But that’s not something you’d like to say in front of Stormin’ Norman Vidic, at least not after you’d watched this video:

Second up, one of the greatest ever football adverts. Yes, it’s cheesey, yes it’s supporting a capitalist giant who probably uses sweatshop labour in third world countries, but it’s great theatre:

And finally, another one of the greatest football ads of all time – possibly the best? Full of showboating, Elvis Presley and Eric Cantona being sooooo cool: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you ‘The Cage’: