Instructions on joining the GOF fantasy league

For all those people sitting in the cheap seats, this is what you need to do to join the GrumpyOldFootballers fantasy league this year:

1. Start up Firefox, Internet Explorer, Safari or – ahem – Netscape, or whatever you like to use to browse the internet.
2. Go to this website: http://fantasy.premierleague.com/
3. On the right is a box marked ‘Play Fantasy’, and in that box is a link that says Not registered? Sign up>> – click on this link.
4. You’ll go to a new page. Enter a username in the box provided – only letters, numbers, underscore and space may be used.
5. Enter the password that you would like to use for this website. It must be different from your username, at least six characters long, minimum two letters and two numbers
6. Enter it again to make sure you didn’t arse it up the first time.
7. Enter your email address.
8. Enter your email address a second time as an anti-arsing-up measure.
9. Enter the rest of your personal details at the bottom of the page, and select CONTINUE.
10. On the new page, select your favourite club (not Chelsea) from the drop-down list.
11. Tick the boxes for whatever marketing spam you wish to receive.
12. Select the COMPLETE REGISTRATION button.
13. Agree to the terms and conditions.
14. Select a team name – twenty characters only.
15. Choose a strip for your team. It makes no actual difference to anything what you do with the strip, so don’t sweat it.
16. Choose whatever type of email you want to receive.
17. Click on Select Team.
18. Now you’re through to the business part of the website. Choose your squad of players, costing a maximum of £100,000,000. You must choose the players as indicated – so two goalkeepers, five defenders, five midfielders, three forwards with no more than three players from any one real life team. Click on the player name to select them, and if you want to get rid of one, click on the yellow arrow next to his name when he’s on the pitch. Alternatively, you could click on auto-complete to have the game pick a squad for you – you can always change as many players as you want up to the start of the real football season. When you’ve successfully picked a team, click on the enter team button.
19. Now, on the right side of the screen, you’ll see a section that says ‘Leagues’. Click on ‘here’.
20. In the space provided, enter the code 210826-49183 and click on Join League.

£20 million to upset the shape of your team?

At last! Some proper football news to debate with Liverpool paying £20,300,000 for a player that Sir Alex Ferguson said was worth half a million quid as a reserve player. Is this further proof that Rafael Benitez has lost the plot?

Rafael Benitez introduces Robbie Keane to the Liverpool media

In the interests of investigative journalism and taking the mick out of Scousers, let’s examine the evidence:

• He’s paid £20.3m for Robbie Keane
• He wanted to pay £15m for Gareth Barry
• He models his facial hair stylings on that fat northern comedian whose name (like his humour) escapes me
• He fell out with one of his closest friends, Pako Ayestaran, his former number 2 and widely credited with being the tactical brain behind Liverpool’s annual battle to finish third
• Andriy Voronin

So is Robbie Keane worth £20m, and where will he fit in to Liverpool’s formation? Well, his record is about one goal every 2.5 games, so he isn’t a penalty area predator (unless he models his game on Louis Saha, of course). However, his movement and link-up play is excellent, so the obvious temptation would be to play him just behind Fernando “difficult second season” Torres.

But hold on – isn’t that the position that hubcap-stealer-in-chief Steven Gerrard plays? If that’s where Benitez intends to play Keane, then he has to re-accommodate Gerrard perhaps deeper in central midfield or out on the right wing, which is something that the over-hyped Scouser has always said he doesn’t like. So is the intention to play Keane out wide drifting inwards, or will Benitez follow the Venables ‘96 “master” plan and have a sort of Christmas tree formation with one up top, two just behind, and three in midfield?

This leaves Liverpool open to their perennial criticism, namely that they have no width and they end up playing a confused sort of 4-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation designed to give the ball to Gerrard so he can kick it sixty yards to Torres. Liverpool often depends upon the full-backs to provide width and this year in particular they may suffer in that area with Jon Arne Riise sold to Roma and Steve Finnan remaining at the club. Liverpool have signed two full-backs this season – Philippe Degen from Germany and Andrea Dossena from Italy, and taking Alvaro Arbeloa into account that means they have three full-backs with no or comparatively little premier league experience. Benitez has used Fabio Aurelio as a left-back with spectacular (as long as you support one of the 19 other premier league clubs) results but even with my most objective head on, I can’t see him being a regular starter in anything other than the league cup.

So where does that leave Liverpool? Are they going to change their formation substantially and risk upsetting one of their noisier players by playing him out of position? Or does Benitez have a master plan to accommodate them all that few of us suspect he is capable of formulating?

Keeping it amongst friends

I’ve been following an on-going news story with some interest. It doesn’t affect footballers directly, although it’s material that has affected them in the past and may well do in the future. I’m referring the trial involving Max Mosley and his now most definitely not Nazi-themed orgy.

Max Mosley nears the finish line

I’ve been following it partly because I have a passing interest in privacy law in all its forms. The UK doesn’t have a privacy law, as you may well know. UK citizens rely on a European law passed in 2000 if we want recourse because our privacy has been done injury.

The NoTW claims that the Mosley story could be printed because it was ‘in the public interest’. Of course, that was hokum. It couldn’t be further from the public interest if it moved to Greenland and lived in an igloo. That’s not to say that the public aren’t interested in salacious scandal like this; of course they are. We’re raised on a diet of sex scandals and affairs, live sex on Big Brother and pretty young things of both sexes falling out of China White’s at 3am. Somehow this trash is served up as “celebrity news” and we lap it up like feral dogs.

In the past we’ve had David ‘Splitter’ Beckham’s alleged affair with googly-eyed pig wanker Rebecca Loos; Kieron Dyer et al spit-roasting natives in Aya Napa; Ashley Young’s touching YouTube declaration of self-love; a bunch of nobodies at Sunderland filming each other on their phones; Man Utd’s Christmas orgies and Jonny Evans’ arrest for alleged rape (and don’t even get me started on why a suspect can be named but the victim isn’t). ‘News’, according to The News of The World, The Sun, The Star et al.

Livestock pleasurer Rebecca Loos

I for one am sick of these stories. As a Spectator magazine article stated around the time of the Cynthia Payne trial, “… what passes privately between consenting adults, corrupts no minors, creates no public nuisance, disturbs no neighbours and frightens no horses is no longer a concern of the law, is no longer a matter of curiosity of the police and the prurience of the police”. It isn’t anyone’s business what these people do whilst they’re amongst consenting adults, and by no stretch of even the most stagnant imagination is it ‘in the public interest’.

Illegal wars on another country are in the public interest. The Police shooting innocent people is in the public interest. So is spending £3bn on nuclear warheads when one in three children in this country live below the poverty line, when most people in the country can’t go to the dentist because there are no NHS dentists accepting new patients and private dentists are far too expensive, when school leavers can’t make a decision on their future because the government insisted that SAT marking went out to tender and the lowest bidder monumentally screwed up. Does Ashley Cole’s fling with a hairdresser who looked like the Rock of Gibraltar (rock formation or race horse, you decide) merit front page news compared against 3bn quid on nuclear warheads? When Danielle Lloyd goes out with everyone who’s ever played in the premier league, does that compare to allowing the US to use our country as a comfort break stop on extraordinary rendition flights? Does Max Mosley’s German-themed orgy (Nazi is a political affiliation, not a nationality) compare to the brutal levels of oppression and censorship in China, Tibet, Myanmar, East Timor, Diego Garcia … The list goes on.

The answer, of course, is no. Mosley’s tastes might seem unconventional to some, but they remain private business carried out amongst consenting adults and that’s the way they should stay. Frankly, it’s Mosley’s other aberrant behaviour that should worry people more. Dedicating his life to cars driving round in a circle? Now that’s sick.

“You’re my obsession…”

“You’re my obsession … You’re my possession”, sang Astrid Plane, lead singer with 80’s synth-pop futurists Animotion, on their era-defining hit ‘Obsession’:

Just like the punk-haired pop waif, Roy Keane has his own obsession; very average centre-backs unproven in the Premier League. Not content with bringing together all the members of the Facebook group ‘WE WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY FOR MAN UTD’ under one roof, the basin-haired hardman is also building a considerable collection of average centre-halves:

• Paul McShane
• Nyron Nosworthy
• Danny Higginbotham
• Stanislav Varga
• Russell Anderson
• Danny Collins

As if these weren’t enough now he wants to add one-season Spurs failure Younes Kaboul, as well as serial glove-wearer Pascal Chimbonda. What the smeg is going on?

Here’s a man brought up alongside some of the best centre-backs the country has ever seen: Paul McGrath, Steve Bruce, Gary Pallister, Jaap Stam, Rio Ferdinand and William Prunier to name but a few. So why is that he can’t recognise a shite number 6 when he sees one?

Whilst we’re on the subject of dodgy centre-halves, don’t forget you still have plenty of time to sign your own by signing up to the first annual Grumpy Old Footballers fantasy league: see http://grumpyoldfootballers.wordpress.com/2008/07/16/invitation-to-the-grumpyoldfootballers-fantasy-league/ for details.

Let the (word) games begin …

Congratulations to Daniel Lowry on taking up the challenge and joining the Grumpy Old Footballers fantasy league. Not content with taking on the business world as a recent graduate from university (remember to smile when you greet customers Daniel, and always ask if they would like to supersize their meal) he’s taking on his elders, betters and fatters not only at fantasy football but verbal sparring:

“He doesn’t even spell his name with capital letters. You’ve got to get the basics right in a game like this, and to be frank, sloppy mistakes like that can cost you big time. You can only put that down to inexperience.”

I like your style, Daniel – you like to get your verbal barbs in early doors and you’re not afraid to pack your comments with clichés. Just remember not to pack too many fries in those happy meals.

In other news, Grumpy Old Footballers now has one of those RSS feed thingys to allow you to follow the exciting, if irregular, entries on this blog. Look for the heading on the side that says ‘RSS Feed Thingy’ and click on the text; then follow the instructions to subscribe to this blog in your favourite RSS reader (like Google Reader). It’s that simple!

The curse strikes early this season …

The curse has struck even earlier than normal this season with the news that Steven “calm down” Gerrard has picked up an injury, just mere days after being selected for the Grumpy Old Footballers First XI. From the Sky Sports website:

“Liverpool have confirmed captain Steven Gerrard has returned home for treatment on a groin injury.” You can read the rest of the report here.

Tune in tomorrow when we’ll have news of injuries befalling the entire Portsmouth first team as they crane their necks skywards to welcome new oldboy Peter Crouch.

Don’t forget that entries are welcome from everyone except Ashley Cole for this seasonn’s fantasy league competition: click here for full instructions.

Grumpy Old Footballers: “more teams than George Bush has friends”

In an unprecedented surge that made the iPhone queues look like the dash to purchase signed copies of Ashley Cole’s autobiography, membership of the first annual Grumpy Old Footballers fantasy league surged to four teams. “That’s more than George Bush has friends”, quipped a fictional Barack Obama aide.

George Bush and his brother Jeb think about bananas, and who to invade to get one.

Warm welcomes are extended to Mark Appleton, Paul Lowry and Drew Wright. The mickey-taking starts next week.

Membership is still open to anyone who walks in and sees anything worth doing, so feel free to invite friends and relatives, loved ones (spouses are also included under that heading), siblings and casual acquaintances through Facebook – spread the word! (Remember, Ashley Cole is not allowed). For full instructions, click here.

Thanks again to everyone who has joined. We look forward to Daniel Lowry taking up the challenge, should he prove up to it.

Infrequently Asked Questions – Part I

In life, there are two types of people. The first type gets their new DVD player, or iPhone, or Intercontinental Ballistic missile and they just want to get the thing out of the box and play with it. Only much later, when the thing won’t play DVDs / make phone calls / rain down fiery death on surprised infidels do they bother to read the instructions.

The second type of person is the cautious type. They read the instructions thoroughly, or they won’t buy something til the price has come down just a little more. They insist on scrutinising every single variable, and every possible outcome until their friends feel like screaming, “Oh my God, it’s just a bag of cotton wool, will you just buy the thing and get on with it!”

If you’re the first sort of person, you’ve already stopped reading and gone to pick your team. If you’re the second type, you’ll still be thinking about your team and you’ll want to know the answers to these – the Grumpy Old Footballers Infrequently Asked Questions – Part I.

Q: If I make a change 11.29 on Saturday 16 August it covers matches played 16-22 August; if I make a change 11.31 Saturday 16 August, it covers matches played 23-29 August – is this correct?

A: Yes. You made your changes too late for them to count in the round of games that’s about to commence, but they will be reflected in the round that follows.

Q: If my first team player doesn’t play Saturday, my reserve player comes in. However, if my original first team player has a game midweek (and plays) any points scored by my reserve Saturday don’t count?

A: That’s correct. Only one player can score points for you in any week. If your substitute scores a hattrick on Saturday, but the player he replaced gets sent of on Wednesday, you’ll suffer the points loss for the red card. The points scored by your first choice lpayer take precedence.

Q: If a player’s value increases whilst he’s in my team, and I choose to sell him, do I get 100% of the profit?

A: No, you only get half the profit if you sell a player who’s value has gone up. If you purchase him for £5.0m, and his value rises to £6.0m when you sell him, you receive £5.5m.

Q: After a couple of weeks my initial 15 players could be worth, in theory, £105m (i.e. £5m over the 100m I originally had to spend). If I have a player bought for £10m and his value doesn’t change so I sell him for £10m, do I have to buy a player at £5m to keep in the initial £100m budget?

A: No. If you sell a player at £10m, you still have £10m to replace him with. If you sell a player at £10m and you already had £0.5m in the bank, you can still spend £10.5m If you spend £10.5m on Ashley Cole, you’re an eejit.

Thanks to Paul Lowry for the first batch of IAQ.

Invitation to the GrumpyOldFootballers fantasy league!

I would like to invite anyone reading my blog to play in the first GrumpyOldFootballers Fantasy Premier League. It’s absolutely free, no-one makes any money out of it, I just thought it would be fun to have our own little fantasy league competition. Every week, I’ll update the world via this blog on how the teams are doing.

To play you need to register at http://fantasy.premierleague.com and choose your team as per the instructions. You’ll choose a squad of players, and you can swap them about each week (like Rafael Benitez), or keep the same eleven all season (like Martin O’Neill).

Once you have logged in and entered your team, click on the ‘Leagues’
link you can find on the the right of the page. Enter the code 210826-49183 to join the GrumpyOldFootballers Fantasy Football league.

In this game, there are no secrets. Anyone can see anyone else’s team just by clicking on it, so in the spirit of starting as we mean to go on, here’s my team, GrumpyOldFootballers FC:

Grumpy Old Footballers FC

Now, I’ll be honest, I thought I would just be able to make up a league and register my team later, but it turns out that I can’t, so I had to make up my team now. Transfers are free, so I can change my teams as I go along. One of the things I like about this game is that player values change as the performance does. So, in past seasons like Fabrice Fernandes and Louis Saha have cost next to nothing and every team ends up having them. With this game, those managers who have faith to pick a player when they cost £4m get rewarded when their value goes up to £7m – they can sell them and make a profit. It’s worth keeping an eye on injured players – their value goes down while they’re not playing, and you can snaffle up a bargain by putting them in earlier than anyone else.

So, let’s discuss some of the more esoteric picks in GrumpyOldFootballers first XI:

Philip Deggen, Liverpool

Using my extensive knowledge of world football based on playing Football Manager since Kevin Tom’s first discovered the ZX Spectrum, I knew that Degen was an attacking international full-back (on either side) who had spent the few previous seasons playing in Germany. Playing for Liverpool, you would expect a few clean sheets, and hopefully most folk won’t know who he is.

Maynor Figueroa, Wigan

Figueroa is an attacking full-back whose long throws have been banned in seventeen countries by the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks. He only joined Wigan towards the end of last season, about the time Steve “Bernard Cribbins” Bruce tightened up the Wigan defence. He won’t be a first choice either for Wigan or me, but he’s cheap, and again I hope very few other teams will have him.

Glen Little, Portsmouth

Didn’t play many games for Reading last season, so didn’t score many points. Has only one pace – glacially slow. Can’t beat a man for pace, or at tiddley-winks. But he’s one of the most underrated crossers of a ball in the premier league. Now if only he had the human equivalent of a telegraph pole to cross the ball to…

Okay, that’s enough for now.  Hope to see you in the GrumpyOldFootballers Fantasy League very soon!

Good luck!

Whatever happened to contracts?

First, and throughout the summer, Cristiano Ronaldo has been saying things like “I’ll make an announcement on my future in the next few days” and “Next week I’ll tell you where I’ll be playing my football next season”. Now Didier Drogba is at it: “I will decide my future in ten days.” What’s wrong with this picture?

Well, they both have contracts with the clubs that own their registration. Whilst both are in place, Ronaldo and Drogba can make all the announcements they want, but unless Messrs. Glazer and Abramovich decide they want rid neither of them will be going anywhere.

I think it would behove them to realise that they are not the masters of their own destiny. Yes, they can say they want a move; yes, they can even go on strike; but until their contract expires or the owners decide they want shut then neither of them is going anywhere and it’s time they realised that.